by Pádraic Gilligan, Co-Founder, SoolNua

As a regular traveller, I certainly appreciate the predictability of a global chain hotel.

Airport

The benefits of choosing a universally recognised brand actually commence at the airport when you ask your driver to take you to the [Insert Global Chain Brand Name]. Thanks to high-profile name recognition, your driver will nod approvingly and set off without hesitation. Upon arrival, however, it may transpire that you’re at the wrong location, as mid to large cities often have multifarious iterations of this well-known global brand. So well known, in fact, that your driver declined to ask for clarification.

Upon arrival at the correct location, you’ll be greeted warmly at the door by an over-sized, over-caffeinated male in uniform (it’s almost always a “he”). Your bag will be taken and tagged for later (much later) delivery to your guest room, and you’ll be directed to the check-in desk that’s always located precisely where it should be, clearly visible and reassuringly central, like the altar in a cathedral of carpet.

Check in

At this desk there will be two distinct check-in areas: one for frequent guests who are members of that chain’s loyalty programme, and one for everyone else. You’ll feel only mild self-loathing as you stand in line with “everyone else” while your colleague glides past toward the elite counter and is already halfway to her room. As you wait in line, you will go online and join the loyalty programme.

Incidentally, if there’s no one in front of the check-in desk, there’ll be no one behind it either. Either way, you’ll be left standing there unless the [Insert Global Chain Brand Name] is piloting some form of electronic check-in which will involve interaction with a screen and the insertion of a registration code that you cannot locate anywhere in your email, WhatsApp or dedicated [Insert Global Chain Brand Name] app.

How long you wait at check-in will depend on the time of day (avoid mornings when check-in is full of check-outs and late afternoons when check-in is full of other check-ins), the size of the property (allow at least 15 minutes if the property has 250+ keys) and the location (allow up to 60 minutes if it’s Las Vegas, although “status” should reduce the wait time there, theoretically).

Eventually, you will hand over your passport and credit card and respond to the scripted questions, this is what you should say:

“Yes, I did have a good flight.”
“No, I don’t require a dinner reservation.”
“Yes, two keys would be perfect, thank you.”

Keep the dialogue efficient. Under no circumstances should you deviate from conventional pleasantries, attempt a clever joke or pose a complex question. Reception staff are often students or interns, frequently from out of town and occasionally not fully fluent in the language of the location in which you find yourself. Their innocence, charm and scripted questions are considered entirely sufficient to ensure a positive first impression of the global chain’s core value proposition.

Guest Room

Eventually you’ll arrive at your guest room and that’s where the reassuring familiarity of a global hotel brand truly shines.

The bathroom will be located immediately to your right or left. Appropriate power sockets will be found conveniently adjacent to both the nightstand and the desk. A large screen will be set to a channel playing the chain’s own content with inoffensive light classical music on a loop and perhaps a digital greeting:

“Welcome Pádraic Gilligan.”
Or variations thereof such as “Welcome Gilligan” or “Welcome Gilligan Pádraic.”

If the property is graded four stars or higher, there will be a bathrobe somewhere. It will be tightly wrapped, possibly hermetically sealed, and strategically hidden in a wardrobe corner the chain would quietly prefer you not to discover, thus avoiding laundry costs.

The same applies to the tea and coffee making facilities. If the global chain does not have a long-term agreement with a well-known coffee brand like Nespresso, the machine will be of obscure origin and require you to access a YouTube tutorial in order to produce something approximating coffee. Be sure to check drawers. These items are often concealed like 3rd secret of Fatima.

There will also be a digital device beside the bed that tells the time, acts as a Bluetooth speaker and charges your phone. None of these functions will work. The time will always be incorrect. The device may also contain a pre-set alarm that you will discover at 3am. When that happens, you’ll struggle for 10 minutes to shut it off.

Bag Delivery

You will plug in your laptop and begin pacing, as the notes you need are in the bag you handed over upon arrival. That bag will arrive approximately 60 minutes after you occupy your room, at which point you will resolve, not for the first time, never again to let it out of your sight. You will exchange pleasantries with the uniformed associate who delivers it and pass him the regulatory 5 units tip, in a ritual as old as hospitality itself.

As you pace, you will notice: art pieces fixed, often glued, to the wall depicting “local” scenes; minor staining on soft furnishings; a chair that appears decorative but is technically functional; windows that cannot be opened beyond a finger’s width; and many light switches. If it is night-time and you test the light switches, you will discover it takes approximately ten minutes to understand their choreography. When you eventually switch off the final light and climb into bed, nine times out of ten, all the other lights will come on again.

Mini-Bar and Fitness Centre

You’ll also observe an assortment of appealing snacks and random items, some of which appear more commonly in pharmacies than hotels. If you’re in Las Vegas, there will be a bottle of mineral water that has travelled all the way from the Fiji Islands. Unless you wish to pay $15 for a sip, do not open it. The minibar operates on the honour system, except the honour is entirely theirs.

If you are feeling virtuous, you may explore the fitness centre, usually located beside a meeting room called “The Aspen” or “The Bordeaux.” It will contain three treadmills (one broken), a yoga mat and two mismatched dumbbells. The television will be tuned to a news channel in a language you do not understand. You will run for 17 minutes and declare success.

Breakfast will be served in a generously carpeted space designed to accommodate 200 simultaneous conversations about flights and fiscal quarters. There will be eggs in every conceivable format. There will be pastries that look magnificent and taste compliant. Sometimes, in three star hotels, there will be a pancake machine that produces discs of uniform mediocrity at the touch of a button.

Check Out

And then, almost without noticing, you will check out.

You will return your key cards. You will receive a neatly itemised invoice. You will be asked if everything was satisfactory. You will say yes. And you will mean it.

Because here is the truth about the global chain hotel.

For all its scripted greetings, hermetically sealed bathrobes and rebellious bedside clocks, it performs a quiet miracle. It removes friction. It smooths the edges of unfamiliar cities. It offers a small island of order in the beautiful chaos of travel.

Chain hotels are the white shirts of travel. The Charlie Watts and Bill Wyman rhythm section behind the Jagger soloist that is your destination. They are not there to surprise you. They are there to support you.Because sometimes, when everything else is unfamiliar, the greatest luxury of all is recognition.

And for that, the global chain hotel deserves its quiet round of applause.